ring ring

tomorrow is my old best friend's birthday and I'm really fucking upset bc last year on her birthday I made her cupcakes
and I brought them to her at the skating rink
and we had a nice day
And then on my birthday we did something similar and we made legit plans that on her next birthday we would go to all the consignment shops in Santa Monica and get frozen yogurt and take pictures
and it's not gonna happen
like idfk it's prolly like the same feeling like if you dated someone for 7 years and then overnight they just poof disappeared from your life and didnt give you any warning or apology or explanation or chance to redeem yourself and I don't understand it
but fuck
fuck
I won't be going to Santa Monica with her tomorrow or ever again I don't know???? what the hell happened????? I'm in a fragile state I just really want my old friends back
I want to go downtown with the two of them every Friday and go to vons and get sour gummies for B and eat rotisserie chickens in the metlox parking lot and go to skyzone and go to knotts scary farm with everyone and go to lemonade and split the macaroni and dance in the rain outside the gym and dress up as cats for parties and be Barbies for Halloween and make shrines for connor and film our Spanish project together and go for runs and talk until 4 a.m. and draw on each other with eyeliner and bake cakes and say oh no beh and get called bagoolyuh and fit all three of us in my twinsized bed and do our thrift shop dance and make friends on omegle and borrow each others clothes and always have someone to hang out with and do truth is videos on Facebook and take pictures in photo booths and ride our bikes to redondo and get snow cones with the boys and watch Aladdin and eat a whole box of Special K and roll around hermosa beach on spinny chairs and watch double divas and hang around with M's mom and copy each others homework and go to the creamery and get nutella ice cream and sit in the big white chair by the window and bitch about other girls
but I can't
they still do all that but I'm the one they're bitching about
and it was just like boom over
I just don't??!!?!!!???
just fucking what????
I don't know what to do with myself???
frick?